Dear Pastor,

I am a 37-year-old married woman, living with my husband and four kids. I want to keep this short so I cannot get into the details. All was going well until I decided to go online to meet new friends. I never got involved rather than making funny jokes, discussing the daily things happening around us etc. One day I sent an email inviting a man to chat.

After a couple of months, we met and immediately there were sparks. We have been in touch since then, meeting ever so often and making plans of getting married and stuff like that even though he is married and so am I. This is no joke. I cannot eat nor do anything without thinking about this man. He has become my life, so to speak, and I know he feels the same way about me too.

Husband loves me more

The thing is my husband found out and I thought he would chase me and ask for a divorce, which I would be happy for, but, instead, he loves me more than ever.

Even though when he found out, he almost died. I don't love my husband anymore. I hate having sex with him. All I want is to be with this other man. I am dying here. I want to leave, but my husband has been good and I don't know how to tell him. This will kill him.

I need your advice. I am old enough. I know the right thing, but the right thing doesn't make me happy anymore. The truth is I am not even sure if I will follow your advice if it's not what I am hoping for, but, nonetheless, please, advise me.

K., New Jersey, USA

Dear K.,

You have declared that you don't love your husband anymore and you hate having sex with him. You want to leave your husband so you are finding all sorts of faults with him. Face the truth, madam.

You are a bad woman. You are not good. And your husband should be glad to see you leave his house. You are going to crash. You are setting a bad example for your children.

This new man may use you and drop you. You are too hot. and you are behaving as someone who needs psychological help.

Pastor

• 8 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am a 28-year-old mother of three children. I was married for the past eight years to a man whom I thought was a gentleman until the beating started at about the fifth year of marriage.

While I was at home being a good wife and a good mother, my husband was out frolicking with younger females this was becoming unbearable for me and then I started to feel nauseous.

I visited my doctor who informed me that I was three months pregnant with what was supposed to be my fourth child. I was advised to do an HIV test. At first I was not worried, but then the result came and I found out that I am HIV positive.

When I told my husband about the pregnancy and the HIV results he accused me of cheating and infecting him with the HIV virus. An argument ensued and he hit me and I fell down the stairs causing me to lose my unborn child.

Thrown out

Now he is going around and telling everyone that I have given him AIDS. He even went as far as to throw me and the kids out of our marital home saying that he has to do a DNA test before he claims them as his because I've been a cheater and a liar.

Pastor, I'm now staying with my mother who is very sceptical because she does not know what to believe. I've been a faithful wife and I don't know what to do. I feel like killing myself because I can't take the shame and scandal anymore.

Please, tell me what to do.

A. R., St Catherine, Jamaica

Dear A. R.,

Don't worry. Your husband is putting on a show. He knows that you have been a faithful wife. He is a wicked man. Pray much and follow the advice of your doctor.

However, there is something else that you must do early and that is, go and see a lawyer. Your husband is playing hardball, go toe to toe with him and have no fear.

Pastor

• 6 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am the last child for my father. In about 1991, he got married to a lady who isn't my mother or any of his children's mother. Now he has refused to allow any of us to live at his house. Even worst, he would complain whenever he gives me anything, but he doesn't when he gives it to his wife's children.

Stop from school

Now I am not living at home and he refuses to talk to me saying that he had not done me anything for me to leave his house. This same marriage has cost me my high school education, in that, after their marriage, I had to stop from school for more than three months and he was brave enough to turn up at my school for my report. That was when my principal asked him to get me in a school that was nearer to us so that he could afford to send me. This he didn't do. My church had to finish schooling me.

Confusing time of my life

Pastor, right as I was about to do my subjects my mother who I didn't know for 19 years, turned up. It was the most confusing time of my life. I wanted questions answered, but all she did was lie. Now I am trying to pick myself up and go back to school without any help from either of them, not even their moral support. I have not asked my parents for anything since leaving high school. Even when going to high school I would save my lunch money to buy my books. Now I am out of school and I can't seem to get any support from any of them.

Please pray for me so that I will continue to be strong for myself and all I come in contact with.

M. T., St. Ann, Jamaica

Dear M. T.,

God will take care of you if you put your confidence in him. You said your church assisted you to finish school. Thank God for that. I am sure they will continue to help you.

Your parents have not done their best to help you, but you should forgive them and pray for them. It would be able to do your soul good if you were able to get a summer job.

Pastor

• 2 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am a 16-year-old with a big problem. Ever since I entered high school (an all girls' school), I have been teased about the size of my nose. I am so embarrassed to tell you about this because I think people will say it is stupid. People always tease me and call me 'big nose'. I used to pretend it didn't hurt, but I would leave and hide somewhere to cry. It would not hurt so bad if it was just at school, but even some of my family members do this.

When I go to visit my father in New York, my stepmother and her sister would always laugh at me in my presence. She would be nice to me, but if something happens, like if I put on facial mask, she and her sister (who doesn't live with them) would laugh and say "It shows up her big nose even more." This has happened on more than one occasion.

I HATE MY FACE

I hate my face. Many people have criticised my nose and as a result I have very low self esteem. I always hold my head down when I am walking on the road and when I am talking to people. I would love to get a nose job, but I do not want to offend God, since He made me this way. I don't know what to do.

Another problem is that my dad has filed for me and I am going to live with them very soon. I am afraid because the entire family makes me feel bad about myself and I know they talk bad about me behind my back. I don't want to live there. I feel so bad.

É.., Jamaica

Dear E..,

I just want to tell you that I love you and I want you to know that God loves you too more than anybody in the world. I want to assure you that when the time is right and you are ready to do plastic surgery on your nose, God is not going to be displeased with you. Right now the people you have around you such as your relatives and schoolmates are making life miserable for you. Some do it out of ignorance. They don't understand how much the things that they are saying about your nose are affecting you. They are insensitive.

I want you to be strong and to accept your state until you are able to change it. It would be nice if you have a good rapport with your dad to tell him what you have been going through and to ask him whether he is able financially to pay for you to do plastic surgery. Perhaps that would be asking too much of him, but you can still try. On the other hand, you may want to wait until you are able to pay for the surgery.

That would take a while, but in the mean time you can excel in school and surpass those who have small and straight noses.

So pray and ask God to help you not to fret. Don't hang your head down when you are walking or talking to folks. Have confidence in yourself. You are still a pretty girl and you are God's child.

Pastor

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• 2 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I was 21 when I met a guy who told me how much he loves me and would take care of me if I became pregnant with his child. I am going to be 23 soon and to have a baby with him. But since I became pregnant, he started acting like he doesn't care. He told me I should do an abortion which I refused to do because I knew it is wrong biblically.

The baby is 10-months-old. She has seen her dad only three times when she was five-and-half-months-old. I love him very much and would never do anything to hurt him.

Can you advise me what to do because I would not want to grow my child around another man who is not her dad?

D. B., London, England

Dear D. B.,

When some men want to go to bed with women, they will promise them silver, gold and diamond, but most times the promises are empty. I suggest that you take him to court for child support. If you don't stand up for your rights, he will take advantage of you and you will end up supporting that child all alone

Pastor

nancy although he had promised to stand by you. He is not a good man.

I suggest that you take him to court for child support. You are too easy on him. If you don't stand up for your rights, he will take advantage of you and you will end up supporting that child all alone. Girl, you can't force a man to love you. This guy is irresponsible. If he doesn't want you, at least he should support his child.

• 4 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I was involved with a young man when I was 16-years-old. We dated for over a year. I am now 25 and over the past year we have been communicating again, but he's now a married man. As far as our conversations goes, he is not a very happily married man because he constantly says he wants me back and he calls and sends me e-mails. I told him that I can't be with him because he's married. He still tells me he loves me all the time and now it's getting to the point where I am starting to believe him. I know it's wrong to get involved with him.

Please, pastor, what is your suggestion for me?

S. W., Alberta, Canada

Dear S. W.,

• 2 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am a 36-year-old woman from Switzerland and I have been married to a Jamaican man for 12 years. I don't have a problem with my husband. We love each other more every day! I read your column frequently. What shocks me is that I read horrible news about Jamaica daily. Everyday children, woman and men get shot by gunmen in Jamaica. Sometimes I feel like crying when I read their sad stories.

What really saddens me is that on one hand, there are people dying in violent acts of crime and on the other hand, there are people that have no other problems than writing in about their odd relationship problems. The number one topic in Jamaica seems to be sex! This one is cheating, that one wants to be with a married man, etc. When will Jamaican people wake up? How many more people have to die before it will be realised that only love, peace and harmony will save Jamaica and of course the rest of the world.

I love Jamaica and I am looking forward to opening the newspapers again in the future and read of less crime happening in Jamaica and maybe also of less relationship problems.

God bless

P. B., Switzerland

Dear P. B.,

I am glad that you got a good Jamaican husband and that both of you are happy together. Jamaica has its problems indeed, but the people have the will and the resilience to overcome their problems and to succeed. Thank you so much for writing and God bless you.

Pastor

• 78 comments »

Dear Pastor,

"A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife," but in my case, my wife has cleaved to her brother. You see, he has helped her to come to the United States, and of course, this in itself is a good thing, but he had to marry her as well. She is dedicated to him more than 100 per cent and ignores the fundamental principles of marriage. When she was in Jamaica, she lived a god-fearing and a well principled Christian life and I was attracted to this kind of living. We got married in Jamaica, but I did not know that when I came to the United States I had to worship her type of god.

Her brother has done everything for her but the only thing that he doesn't do is to sleep with her. I spoke to her about my role as a husband and how I would want my family to live according to certain biblical principles, but she ignores it and insists that I should go with the flow. To make matters worse, she decides not to work. She remains unemployed for more than 18 years and I have to pay the rent, light bills, telephone bills, gas and heating bills, credit card bills and furniture bills and of course, take care of the general family responsibilities.

In January 1994, she decided that she will make love with me for the last time, and she did. I am unable to write everything in this letter, but at present I am thinking of a divorce because I cannot continue to go through this kind of rejection. She does not communicate with me and whenever she can she is running me back to Jamaica.

V. J., New York, USA

Dear V. J.,

As far as I understand you are saying that you have married a woman who is close to her brother. And she is more dedicated to him than to you, her husband. You have not been able to get her to change her attitude and to support you in any way. As I see it, your marriage is in trouble. You said you made love to her for the last time, so I suppose you are trying to say that both of you are going to go your separate ways.

It is always good for relatives to remain close. I hope that you are not jealous of your brother-in-law. If you have said unkind things about him, your wife would not be pleased and may feel that you hate him. It is better for an in-law not to comment on anything that concerns his spouse's relatives.

Pastor

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column for years. I came to Jamaica on vacation two years ago. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. Today I'm proud to say that we've been married for a year and one month. I'm saying this to say that 'Jamaican men' are not all dogs!

C. B., Toronto, Canada

Dear C. B.,

Jamaican men are not dogs at all. Any Jamaican woman, who calls Jamaican men dogs, must remember that she is including her father. He too is a man. I am happy that you have found a good man.

Pastor

• 2 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am 18 years old and I live with my father and his wife in New York. When I first came here, she was so nice. I used to tell all my friends about her but they could not believe because of what people say about stepmothers. But of late, she has been turning my father against me saying that I am telling him lies. She wants me to do everything in the house. There is no way I can talk to my father because she has turned him against me. They have no kids together. If there is something to be done in the house, I am the one who must do it because I am a girl.

I have to go to work at 5 in the mornings and on weekends because I am scared to ask them for money. Whenever I ask them, they never have it. They even complain about this too. Because I leave out at 4:00 a.m., they say I am not going to work, I am going to my man's yard. I can't take it any more. I told my mother I am going to move out but she said I am to wait until I finish my college degree.

Pastor, I can't take it anymore. Help me.

C. B., New York, USA

Dear C. B.,

You would find it very costly to live alone. And even if you take on a roommate, it can become very costly. Therefore, accept the counsel of your mother. Remain at your father's house and try to co-operate the best way you can with your inconsiderate step-mother. Time goes by quickly. Soon and very soon you would be out of college and be in a position to hold a good job.

Pastor

• 0 comments »

I am a 26-year-old female who lives in Florida, but was born and grew up in Kingston. I have been with an older man for the past four years. I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong because for the past two months we have not been sleeping together. Not only that, he's not sleeping in the house. Tell me what to do because I really love this man with all my heart. He's the only man who cares about my health. He's always there for me, but I don't know what the problem is.

Females call the house and curse me out, telling me he doesn't want me, but I know that's a lie because the house that I am in, he's the one who pays all the bills. He even got another woman pregnant and I didn't know about it until she called my cell phone and asked me what we have going on. I told her we are together and that was when she told me they have a baby boy together. I found out about this on New Years Day 2005. I was devastated about the whole thing, so I told him it was over. He said it was a mistake and I should forgive him and give him a chance. I did and now he's leaving me for another girl, and the reason for that is because I went through his phone and took a number. I did it because I knew he was seeing someone else.

Please tell me if I should leave or work it out because I really love him and I know he loves me too. He says the reason he is not sleeping in the house is because he wants me to look for a better job.

P. B., Florida, USA

Dear P. B.,

I suggest that you move out of this man's house. He has many women. He got one of them pregnant and he is not even sleeping at home. If you like, you can stay in the house as long as he will allow you, but there is no guarantee that he will ever marry you. He is a playboy.

Pastor

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am a 21-year-old female who has a crush on a guy who is 18.

I love him dearly, but the problem is that my friends say he is just a player. He is very handsome, intelligent and very considerate. He is Christian-minded and very dedicated. He always discusses the Lord with me. I always see him with a lot of girls holding hands. Whenever I ask him about it, he says that is how he treats all girls and they are in no way intimate.

That special one

He says he doesn't want to settle down with just one girl because it will affect him when it comes to choosing that special one to walk down the aisle. He said he is young. Therefore, it all boils down to one thing. Should I listen to my friends or just be a close friend until he says I am not the one?

L.E.,

Hanover

Dear L.E.,

This guy has been upfront with you. What he is trying to tell you is that he has many girlfriends but they are social friends and he is not ready to have an intimate girlfriend.

He may be dating a number of girls, and frankly there is nothing wrong with that. It is wise for young men and young women to date and to get to know each other before they choose their life partners.

Unfortunately, some people believe that if a man dates a few girls, he is flirting. That is not necessarily true. I believe that we would have less divorce if couples would get to know each other before getting married.

You are three years older than this man, so you are anxious to 'grab him' and call him your man. You ought to accept his friendship and stop harassing him. He may or may not carry the relationship with you further.

Pastor.

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I emigrated to England about two years ago. Before I left Jamaica I had a boyfriend and we both love each other.

I can talk to him about anything and we talk on the phone at least three times per week. He tells me how much he loves me and he is willing to wait for me. I am still a virgin. However, he is not. He has had several girlfriends with whom he has slept once or twice while he was seeing me. I don't know whether or not to focus on him or to move on with my life.

Y.R.,

England

Dear Y.R.,

You know what this man did while you were in Jamaica. Do you believe that he has changed? Is he still sleeping around with other girls? Do you believe that if both of you were to get married he would quit? He didn't quit when you were in Jamaica. You would have to decide whether or not you are prepared to share this man with other women for the rest of your life.

Pastor.

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

My brother is living in Kingston and has been married for the past five years.

His wife and himself have three children together. He got married when he was very young. He did not have anyone to guide him. Now that his wife left him with the three children to live with her boyfriend, she does not want to play her part in taking care of the children. How can he go about getting a divorce?

D.D.,

Ontario, Canada

Dear D.D.,

I am sure that this woman did not just get up one day out of the blue and decide to leave your brother and her children behind.

No, no, I don't believe that at all. Women who are well-treated and respected by their husbands do not walk away like that.

Threatened

Sometimes when women are very unhappy with their husbands and the men threaten them and tell them that they cannot take the children with them, for the sake of peace, they walk away leaving the children behind. Some women stay and continue to be abused. I wish I could hear from your sister-in-law why she left your brother and the children. Concerning the divorce, he should seek the help of a lawyer.

Pastor.

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am a lonely 29-year-old woman living in New York. I have been in love with one man all my life. He is a wonderful person, but only if he knew how I feel. We were once in a relationship and there was lots of misunderstanding and we broke up.

Ever since this man just cannot come out of my head. I am not obsessed over him, but it is like nature brings us back together all the time. I can feel his distress when he is in trouble. I can love no other man but him. When guys do come to me I compare them to him. I really think this man is my soul mate and we are meant to be. He calls me 'my girl'.

Please advise me on what to do.

C.H.,

Bronx, New York

Dear C.H.,

You claim not to be obsessed with this man, but I do not believe you. You are moping over this man. The relationship that you had together did not last, but you have had fond memories of him. And you wish that both of you would get back together permanently. He ignores you.

Give up

Evidently, he does not love you as much as you love him. Therefore, you should learn to give him up. No man is perfect and it is unwise to compare other men with your former lover. How could your former lover be such a wonderful fellow and he didn't stay with you? Could it mean then that you caused the breaking up? What do you mean by "there was lots of misunderstanding?"

What I am trying to say is that everybody has his or her personality and temperament, so I repeat, it is unwise to compare another man who may come your way with your former boyfriend. You cannot be sure if you and this man 'are meant to be'. So do not talk that nonsense.

Pastor.

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

Big up! You are a good man. Keep up your good work. I couldn't imagine I would be writing to you after reading so many of your topics. I met a girl here in Atlanta at my school. The truth is, I like her, but it is just her ways that make me say she is not girlfriend material. She has a lot of nude pictures in her room that guys look at and she behaves like a loose woman sometimes.

Because I haven't had sex for a while, I became lustful and fell to her seductive ways. I got stuck and now I want to go because it doesn't feel right to me. I feel like I let down myself. I feel I can do much better than that. I really want a girlfriend that is of good quality.

Now that I have done it with her I want to get out, but how can I do that? It goes against everything I believe in. She is so into me right now it is scaring me. She is acting as if we are married. I don't want to hurt her but I can't continue hurting myself either. I wish it would all go away.

N.G., Atlanta

Dear N.G.,

Speak the truth, you like what this woman has done to you. She excited you and you find it difficult now to pull away. Yes, it may be true that when you are alone you try to convince yourself that you shouldn't be going with her but she is like a magnet and whenever she calls or you see her, you are drawn closer to her and you feel like you can't resist her. You know that if you don't learn to run you are going to go deeper and deeper into the relationship with her.

So, hear me now, call her and tell her that you wish to end the relationship with her. Tell her that it was a one-night stand affair, but you realize that she wants to make it permanent. Let her know that you cannot continue. She may curse you and even threaten you, but stand your ground. Change your telephone number after you have called her. Do not go out with her anymore. Her lifestyle is totally different from yours. Look around for a wife, not just a girlfriend. She may not come easily, but eventually you will find one.

Pastor

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am a 23-year-old female. I am originally from Kingston but I am working abroad to make some money to support my one-year-old daughter. I am missing her a lot but I know that she is being taken care of by my mother. I will be working for eight months before I get to see her.

Do you think I should give up my job and find another job in Jamaica or should I stay away from my daughter for such a long time? After I have completed this eight months I will have two months home and then I come back for another eight months.

Her father left me when I was only three months' pregnant and now I am trying my best for her to have a wonderful life like any other child who has both parents. Please pray for me and I hope things will work out the way God wants it to.

Thanks for your help.

A.D.,

Dear A.D.,

I empathize with your problem. You want to support your child and do the very best for her. But I must tell you the truth. No money in the world can substitute for the amount of time a parent should spend with his or her child. Even when parents send all the gifts etc. from abroad to their children, the children yearn to have them with them. That is why some children love their grandparents more than their natural parents because they were left with them. And although granny did not have the money to give them, she spent time with them.

I wish it was possible to take your child abroad with you. If that is not possible, return to Jamaica and seek a job and support your child. You should also consider taking the father of this child to court for maintenance.

Pastor

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am a 28-year-old woman who just came out of a 10-year relationship. I started having sex with my best friend because I was lonely and hated the dating scene. Now I find that he is acting funny. He first told me that he feels that I am trying to put him into something that he is not ready for. I told him that whatever he wants I can handle it, and if a relationship is not what he wants, then it is fine with me as long as we can have sex a couple of times per month.

I love this guy very much but I realize that this is not something that I am comfortable with. I know for a fact that I want more. I am just so scared that if I go back to him and tell him this will not only ruin what we have now, but I will also ruin the friendship that we have had for more than 15 years.

Please tell me how to handle this.

S.F

Dear S.F.,

You will get hurt. This guy is obliging you, so to speak, by having sex with you. He is doing you a favour as a friend. The unfortunate thing about it is that you do not mind being used. He does not want anything permanent. You have opened yourself to abuse. The man is not committed to you and evidently will never be. So, it was silly of you to tell him that so long as both of you can have sex a couple times per month that would be fine with you. At the same time you are not at all comfortable with the situation because you love him. And since you can't get all of him for yourself, you are settling for second best.

I repeat, you are going to get hurt.

If you have been inviting him over, stop doing so. If you have to go out, do not go with him alone because you are too weak toward him. Right now you just need to cool out. When a woman has just come out a relationship she should not be in a hurry to enter into another because she is vulnerable and that is why you have got into trouble with your friend.

Get involved with church activities etc. And give yourself enough time for your heart to mend and for your head to clear.

Pastor

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I should begin by telling you how rough life has been for me since last year. I lost my father and I do not know what caused his death.

I came to Jamaica with my mother, sisters, brother, and grandmother to bury him. We found out that he had a second life with another woman. This woman did everything possible to destroy the memories my mom, and siblings had of our father. She even called our home in the United States playing on the phone like a child. She even went as far as having our phones tapped in Jamaica. Do you know how it feels to have our father's family to keep a secret from us for 20 years about another child and this woman expects us to forgive her?

We heard this news from a stranger on the street. It is devastating, especially to know my father was coming to the United States to live permanently with my mother.

This woman wanted my father to leave my mother, but he couldn't do it. He loved my mother too much to even try. It breaks my heart to know how this woman could tell everyone that her husband died but I recall my parents are still married. What kind of a woman throws herself at a married man and then tries to destroy his family?

Do you believe in spirits talking to you in your dreams? I keep having a dream that my dad is telling me that she hurt him with anti-freeze. I didn't know who she was until recently she started to show up herself.

I have written to Cable and Wireless many times and sent them email telling them she is harassing our phones in Jamaica and abroad and it seems like nothing has been done about it. It has reached the point where I feel like coming to Jamaica and going to see them in person.

This is not a game. She is playing with the lives of my family. My father is dead and gone. She is only making herself look like the whore we think she is.

I leave this up to you and the entire West Indies to comment and tell me how to go about this harassment to our family. I think I may also have to call her work place.

J.E., Bridgeport, Connecticut

Dear J.E.,

I am sorry to know that your father passed on. I gather from what you are saying about this woman that he has had a long affair with her. You seem to be blaming the woman for everything that is bad. That is not fair at all. Your father is not without fault. It was the both of them who got together. If she is guilty of doing something wrong, he was also guilty.

Are you sure that this woman got your telephones tapped? How did she do that? This is a very serious allegation. Anyway, if you feel that you have proof that this lady is harassing members of your family and yourself, you may put this matter in the hands of a lawyer.

Unlike you, I don't get carried away with dreams and any duppy story I hear about, I take it as a big joke. I suggest that you pray more and pay less attention to the woman who is accused of doing you wrong.

Pastor

• 0 comments »

Dear Pastor,

I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 32. We have been dating for over three months and we have a very good relationship. However, he doesn't fulfill my sexual needs nor is he open with his affection for me.

I am very sexual and never had to deal with this problem before. My ex-boyfriends were just as active as I. I have talked to him about the way I feel and his reply was "I don't want to get tired of having sex with you because I have gotten tired of other women in the past by having too much sex with them." This could be true, but I don't see how sex could become boring if you really care for the person you are with and want to please her.

The other problem is his lack of affection. I am from a large family that is very hands-on. I am used to displaying the way I feel in private as well as in public. I am having a really hard time dealing with his lack of affection and have brought it to his attention. I have explained to him how it is affecting my relationship with him. I am starting to doubt the way he feels about me because I am not seeing enough proof through his actions.

I have stopped initiating sex because I want him to know that I am considerate of his feelings. I have also tried being very affectionate to him which he doesn't mind with the hope that he would return some my way. I care very dof sex and public affections deeply for him and I am working on maintaining our relationship. I just need your advice as to what else I could possibly do to get him to open up to me.

T.J.,

Dear T.J.,

You are emphasizing too much sex in this relationship and any relationship that is based purely on sex will crash. You are pressuring this young man too much and he can sense it. If you continue to behave this way, he will leave you and he will become just another number of the men you have allowed to toy with your body.

You shouldn't use your former boyfriends to judge him. Some men are not as open with their affections as others. So, if you want this relationship to last, learn to communicate with this man. Respect him and try to understand him. The relationship is only three months old. You are going to spoil it if you continue to push sex.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I am a Jamaican living in the United States of America. I am in a situation and I would really appreciate your fatherly advice. I grew up in a Christian home. There are certain morals and principles that my relatives live by. One of these principles is that I should not have a boyfriend until I was finished with school.

Being an only girl, my mother is very over-protective. Due to this every guy who wants to be a part of my life, I push him away. Now I am old enough to make my own decisions, working part-time and attending college, I am still pushing guys away. The thing is, there is this young man who I grew up with and he still cares about me. I am also afraid of what my parents will say because they know this guy.

I know that God has a plan for my life and He helps people through others, so that is why I need your advice. Thank you and God bless you.

C., Minnesota

Dear C.,

Do not be afraid to talk to your parents about this young man. You did not give your age but evidently you are now an adult. You should be dating and looking forward in years to come to having a family. Your parents, I am sure, are praying that God will give you a good husband. Break the ice. Tell them that you like this guy and he likes you. It is better for you to tell them now.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I am a 21-year-old female with limited friends. I don't go clubbing and I don't drink alcohol.

I am living a miserable life in the United Kingdom. I would like to return to Jamaica but I am afraid of what my relatives would say because I do not call them regularly. I haven't spoken to them in months because I am not working.

My stepfather sends me to college and my mother is here and she is not working. Three years ago I was in a relationship with a guy I thought I knew but I was wrong. He is in prison for life but we keep in touch by telephone.

I don't know what to do. My head is in a mess. I am frustrated. Sometimes I feel like killing myself.

M.T., United Kingdom

Dear M.T.,

Stay in the United Kingdom and get a good education. If after you graduate and you continue not to enjoy the United Kingdom and you are able to secure a job in Jamaica, you may consider coming home. But don't even think of giving up college and returning to Jamaica without a college degree. Do not give up the opportunity you have now.

Thank God for your stepfather. He is trying his best to send you to school. Give God praise. College life can be miserable sometimes. To some people it is a real grind. But hang on in there.

I have no doubt that the relationship you had with the guy who is now in prison has affected you. Perhaps you should stop calling him for a while. He cannot help you and you cannot help him. I am not here saying that you should never talk to him, but right now it is unwise for you to think about him.

Concentrate on your lessons.

You will bounce back. Trust God. Put away negative thoughts from your mind. When you are tempted to kill yourself, remember that you can lay all your burdens on Jesus. When you are depressed, call a church and ask to speak to the pastor or his secretary. They would help you. God bless you.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I need your fatherly advice regarding a problem with my sister. I am the oldest of three children and the middle child is 18 years old. She will soon be 19. The problem is her attitude towards her family, especially towards our mother.

She started out a very nice and decent person but she has grown into a rebellious teenager. We didn't think she would take such a path in life because we were raised better than that. She has her own car so whenever her friends need a ride they will call her and she would jump up, stop what she is doing and go to take them.

I am married and my husband doesn't drive, so when I am at work he needs to go places of importance. When he asks my sister to take him places, she makes excuses like she is tired or she has homework. She has started to lie about her whereabouts. She says she is going to a girlfriend's house, but she ends up at a boy's house. She has taken money from my mother's bank account for her own personal use and does not tell my mother. She and my other sister are living with our mother.

My mother has lupus which affects her joints. Sometimes her joints swell and she can't bend her fingers, or her feet are so swollen that she can't walk. But still, she has to find the strength to clean the house because my sister refuses to help her. The only time my sister cleans the house is when she wants permission from my mother to go out with her friends or she wants to bring someone to the house.

My sister goes to a local community college and she is too lazy to go out and get a job because she doesn't want it to interfere with her classes. I don't see how this is possible when her classes start at 8:00 a.m. and finishes at 12:00 noon every day, excluding Fridays and weekends. But she has the time to go out with her friends every night and stays out until the wee hours.

When she had a job, she spent all her money on new clothes and shoes every week, and refused to help my mother with the bills. The only bill she paid was her cell phone that she and my mother shared. That is her lifeline to her friends.

I can only help my mother so much because I have my family to take care of. I have tried talking sense into her that one day she will need someone and no one will be there to help her. Anything that goes on with my sister and my mother does not know, I tell her.

My husband says it is not my place to get involved and I shouldn't say anything to my mother. My husband and I had to watch television in my sister's room because she and her boyfriend were occupying the living room. They then had sex in my mother's room. My mother was at church at the time. The next day I called my mother and told her what happened. Even though my sister was wrong, if I opened my mouth I could get her into real trouble.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My mother does not know what to do either. My mother has talked to my sister's father and he can't even get through to her. My mother is in Jamaica and so far my sister has brought her boyfriend to my mother's house and she knows she is not supposed to do that. Please give us any advice that you might have. Thank you and God bless.

S.D., Tampa, Florida

Dear S.D.,

Your sister is not willing to listen to you or anyone because she feel that as an adult she can do whatever she pleases. She is disrespectful, but she will not look at her behaviour as such. Your husband is correct. It is better to leave her alone. You feel hurt because she had sex with her boyfriend in your mother's bedroom. If your mother is willing to tolerate her in the house, wish both of them well.

You may continue to exhort to your sister when you feel it is necessary, but be careful what you say. She may resent you even more if she believes that you are watching her and taking news to your mother.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I am stressed out and troubled. You see, when you leave yourself to be led by someone you care for and then to be dropped by the wayside, it is like a bomb.

I met this secretary who works with a well-known firm. I was living with my boyfriend. She and I started to see each other. Things got heated. We couldn't stay away from each other for more than a few days. We fell so much in love that she couldn't bear to see me with my boyfriend. So I made the choice and left my boyfriend for her.

We ended up living together. She treated me so well, that it is now a pain in my heart. She only allowed me to wear White Diamonds cologne. She bought me a gold watch, earrings, panties, just about anything I asked her for. She cooked my meals, washed my clothes and even bathed me sometimes. We were going on for one year and three months and then she told me she cannot be with me anymore because I am causing too much pain in her heart. She said that I was unfaithful to her.

She asked me to move out of her house. I did without thinking that I would have missed her so much. Now I can't sleep or eat. I feel like there is no life in me without her. Sometimes I feel like my breath is going to stop. The last time I talked to her on the phone she was crying. She did not go to work for two days. I tried to let her know that I am going through the same thing like her. Every time I am talking to someone they say that I look worried. I know that I am really worried because the life we shared was really wonderful.

Worried., St. Andrew

Dear Worried.,

Two women should not be sexually involved with each other. The encounter this secretary and you had together was nothing but lust. You left your boyfriend and went to live with her. I can't sanction that type of lifestyle and I hope and pray that you will come to realise that that type of lifestyle is wrong.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I am in a relationship with a man who is from Manchester. We have been friends for five years. He is 37 and I am 32. He does not do anything in the yard. To get him to do something I have to curse him. We are living together in my own house. If the house needs painting, I have to do it myself. If the roof is leaking, I have to fix it myself. On Mother's Day the ladder broke with me when I was putting compound on the roof .

This man does security work, but he does not work at night. He does not help to cook. The only time he takes days off is when he is going to his home in Manchester to visit his daughter. I told him he has to make time for where he lives. He does not take me anywhere, and when I go to any function in the district he walks and looks for me as if I am lost.

Our sex life is rather boring because he does not know how to make love at all. I have spoken to him many times about it, but he has not changed. He buys newspapers and cuts all the naked lady pictures and takes them to work with him in his bag.

He is a spendthrift. Whenever we have an argument he doesn't give me any money. Once he gave me his bank card to withdraw some money and because we had an argument, he called the bank to cancel his card so I wouldn't be able to withdraw the money. He does not want me to work. It is only when he wants to have sex he acts as if he really cares. And whenever he is ill, he wants all the attention in the world. We don't have children together, and I don't want any.

One day I cooked but was too tired to share his dinner. He asked me for his dinner and I told him it was in the pot. He took the pot with the food and threw it outside. He has no respect for me. I do not want to stay in this relationship at all. He is too disrespectful. He is immature.

Whenever he is at work every young lady who comes to the office to do business he collects their numbers and tells them that he does not have any woman. I would love to settle down, go to church and serve my God, but not with him. He is a liar.

M.B., St. Mary

Dear M.B.,

I do not need to comment on what you have said. You believe that this man is not a good man and that he would not make you a good husband and that he lies. Do what you believe you ought to do. I can only wish you well.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I am a teenager. I have a four-year-old daughter and I am having a big problem with my mother. My daughter is not attending school because of her. She used to go to school, but because of my mother I have to stop her. She curses my baby and me. She does not love me. She has four children, but I didn't grow with her. I lived with my grandmother. But I am my mother's first child. She put her three other children and her husband before me.

I became pregnant when I was 12-years-old. My mother did not tell me the name of my right father and I hardly went to school. She did not care about me and my grandmother was not in a position to help me. I went to a Women's Center when I was pregnant and then I went to a high school.

When I was 15-years-old I was talking to a man who was 33-years-old. She asked me to go and live with him while I was going to school. I broke up with him three times and she made me go back to him. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore because he was not treating me well and my mother didn't say anything.

I went to live on my own. I have to pay light bill, water bill, rent and I can hardly find food. As I write this letter I am hungry and I have my rent to pay. It is only God who is on my side.

I am crying. My mother said that I mashed up her life. I told her that her husband 'sexed' me off when I was younger and he did it again. She looked at me and said it is the clothes I wear. I don't want to be on my own because the responsibility is too high.

I want to go to go back to school. I want to be a part of a family, but I have my daughter. My mother does not come to look for us.

My mother told the man I was living with everything about my life. He called me and told me that she said I am a whore and that I had sex with her husband and that I don't live anywhere. She also told him that I am a bitch. But I am not a bad girl. I am a good girl with good personality. I respect people. Right now I do not have a boyfriend.

Frustrated., St. Andrew

Dear Frustrated.,

I publish your letter with the hope that someone would be willing to help you. I would not give your address to anyone unless I receive permission from you. I am sorry that you have had such a rough life at such a tender age. Keep fighting on. I will do my best to help you.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I am an 18-year-old female who is desperately seeking your help before I harm myself. From I was eight years old I realised that I did not have a typical relationship with my parents. My mother used to beat me a lot. Sometimes for the simplest things and sometimes for no reason at all. I believe that everyone has the right to make his own mistake and to learn from them. I also believe that not everyone can and is capable of learning from someone else's mistake. My mother used to say some very harsh things about me that I cannot put in this letter. She used to tell me that I am a mistake and that I spoiled her plans because she always wanted four children and not five, and a whole lot more.

When I was attending high school I used to starve myself and take countless amounts of diet pills because I suffered from low self-esteem because I didn't believe I was pretty enough to be loved. I lost a lot of weight and I became ill during that period. I do not have close friends to talk to and I can't talk to my parents because they wouldn't listen. I conceal everything because none of my family members seem to understand me.

When I was 15 years old I needed a way to escape my feelings so I stated drinking and three years later the condition has got worse. I know this is a problem because I can't seem to help myself. Whenever I am sad, lonely or angry all I can think about is to drink a bottle of beer or any sort of alcoholic beverage. Sometimes I find myself drinking up to four bottles per night three times a week. I can't seem to help myself. I don't see myself drinking so frequently because I am an alcoholic, but because I am really depressed and drinking seems to take me away, though temporarily.

Two or three years ago I found myself cutting my wrist and now I am cutting myself more frequently and more deeply. Whenever my friends see my wrist and ask me about it, I tell them I used a comb and scratched it. I know many of them don't buy that story. Some of them confronted me about it. I know I can harm myself seriously, but it is like I get more depressed everyday and lose control of myself. I wear mainly long sleeve shirts to hide my wrist because it looks horrible from razor scars and fresh cuts.

Once I told my mother that I was having heartaches especially at nights when I can literally hear my heartbeat decreasing. Sometimes I find myself gasping for air. My mother told me that nothing is wrong with me and I was calling down heart problems on myself. These days when I have heartaches I just ignore it because sometimes I feel I am imagining it. But, it feels as if there is a hole in my heart and the feeling is horrific. I beg for your help before my depression eats out my soul.

S.J., St. Catherine

Dear S.J.,

I suggest that you go to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. If you don't, you may kill yourself. Perhaps what your mother did to you and said when you were young has affected you. However, you have become an alcoholic and you suffer from bouts of depression. And when a person reacts to problems in the way you are doing, that person needs professional help. I can tell you many things, but the bottom line is that you need to get to a doctor as early as possible.

Remember that you are responsible for the way you behave. It is not your father, mother or anybody else. It is you. So, I beg you to talk to a psychiatrist and whenever you are feeling down, call friends and ask them to come over and be with you or to take you for a ride etc. Stay away from alcoholic beverages.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I have a problem. I don't know if you can help me. When I was 13 years old a man came to me and said that he is my father. I replied, "You are not my father." He said, "Yes, I am your father." I repeated, "You are not my father."

I walked away. He called me by my name. I turned back and went to him. He told me to look at his eyes and to look at my eyes and from the moment he said that something flashed in my mind and made me believe that he was speaking the truth.

When I was a child I used to love this man so much, but I never knew that he was my father. His eyes are very bright. And when I went on the road as a child people used to ask me how my eyes are so bright. People still ask me that question. I am 21 years old. Sometimes it worries me so much to know that the man I thought is my father is also a cousin of this man who told me he is my father.

The man my mother told me is my father has four children with my mother and I love him very much. Sometimes we play together. He cannot read but whenever he has time he tells us a lot of stories. My mother did something wrong and I told her what another man had told me. She asked me what was his name and I told her.

I went to visit the man I believed all along is my father and I saw the other man there. He told me that my mother asked him about what he had told me. He told me that I should not tell my mother what we discussed. He does not want the man that I believe all these years to be my father to know what he told me. Please tell me what to do.

C.T., Clarendon

Dear C.T.,

If you are not satisfied with what your mother told you and you want to be sure, you may ask the man to agree to do a DNA test. That would settle the matter for the both of you. On the other hand, you can forget it and accept what your mother says. As I see it, even if the man you consider all these years to be your biological father, is really not, he is the only man who has played the role of a father in your life and he should be accepted as such. He should never be made to feel that he is anything less. Honour him and respect him.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I need some help but I don't know where to turn. I am a 59-year-old man. My wife is much younger than I. We don't have children together, but I have children from a previous marriage. She is also a mother from a previous relationship. Both of us would like to have a child together. My last child is 27 years old and I have never used a condom.

Since my last child was born I have never got a woman pregnant. I have gone to the doctor and I have done tests which show that my sperm count is low. My testicles are getting very small and I mentioned it to the doctor and he seemed to agree with me. I would hate to waste money, but on the other hand I would like to investigate if any specialists can help to rebuild my sperm count.

You see, my doctor is very young and may not be very sure. She has been telling me about adoption and so on. Can you investigate this matter and advice me?

M.L., Manchester

Dear M.L.,

You have fathered five children and your wife does not have to prove to anyone that she is a woman. You are 59 years old. And although men have impregnated women when they are advanced in age, in my opinion you should be satisfied with what God has blessed you with and live happily with your wife. Of course, that is just my opinion. You see, I am thinking about the expense that you are going to put yourself into and your age. You can invest the money which would help to take care of you as you grow into a ripe old age.

On the other hand, if you are determined to try to get your wife pregnant, you may go back to your doctor and ask her to refer you to a specialist. I do not know of any support groups in Jamaica for couples who are infertile.

However, if you need some information on this subject you may write to The American Fertility Society, Administrative Office, 1608 13th Avenue South, Suite 101, Birmingham, Al 35205, U.S.A.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I am 17 years old and I need your advice. I am not attending school because I have no one to help me. Last year June I had a baby. I was talking to a guy and now I am four months pregnant for him, but it looks like he doesn't want to give me any money and I haven't been to the doctor as yet. Every time I ask him for money he doesn't have any and I have to wait. But what I have in mind is that I am wondering if it is wrong to have an abortion.

I have a boyfriend. He is my only help and I am afraid to let him know I am pregnant. I don't really want to do an abortion, but this guy leaves me no choice. So I want to know if it is the right thing.

He doesn't give me any money, only $100 sometimes. I told him I am going to report him because he told me he used a condom.

When I found out that I was pregnant I went back to him and asked him if he didn't use a condom. Do you know what he said? He said, "The way it did nice he does not know if him did come or not." I was so upset. I feel to let the police lock him up. He knows my boyfriend.

Please give me your advice.

A., Kingston

Dear A.,

I feel very sorry for you. Your letter saddens me. You are a young mother at 17 and pregnant again. What is going to happen to you? And the guy who got you pregnant is taking this thing as a big joke. To fuss with you does not make sense. What you need now is help.

I can't encourage you to have an abortion. The guy did not rape you. He might have fooled you, but he didn't rape you.

You are going to have to learn that if you are determined to have sex, you will have to learn to protect yourself. Not all men are trustworthy. Some don't care. So, to you and all girls who insist that they must have sex, you should purchase your own female condoms.

Oh, yes I know that some people are going to say that I am giving licence for young people to have sex. I am not. As a matter of fact, if anybody is willing to write me and curse me as some of you Christians have a habit of doing, feel free. Your cursing won't change me. I am a black man and it won't make me white. It is not only pregnancy a girl has to worry about, it is venereal diseases including HIV/AIDS.

I hope your relatives would help you prepare for this baby. If after you have given birth and this guy refuses to accept paternity, you may considering giving up the child for adoption. I hope your boyfriend won't abandon you, but if he does, please understand that it is because he cannot deal with the thought that you went to bed with another man.

Pastor

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Dear Pastor,

I am a Christian. I have been married for five years. I lived with my husband nine years before we got married. I just can't take the life I am living anymore. My husband does not treat me like a lady. If I ask him for anything, he does not give it to me; he asks me if I am not working. I get $3,000 per week. I throw 'partner', give my son lunch money to go to high school, and pay taxi fare. I pay the phone bill and cable bill when they come. At times I find food for the house. All he does is come home, bathe, eat and sleep. As morning breaks he is gone.

He does not come home until very late at nights. If I talk to him he curses me and uses obscene language. He doesn't have sex with me anymore, which does not bother me. I do not want to catch anything he might have picked up outside.

You see, I met this very nice, gentle, loving man. He makes me feel like a lady. He is everything I dream of in a husband. He calls me at work. He encourages me to hold on and to talk to my husband. He is so understanding. I am tired of talking to my husband. I want out of this marriage. If I stay, I am going to get crazy. This new guy is also married, but I can talk to him about my marriage. He shows me kindness.

My husband does not work. He gambles. As his wife, he does not give me money to buy anything for myself and he does not do anything around the house. If he eats, he leaves the plate at the same place. He doesn't spread the bed if I leave him in it to go to work. He does not care about paying the mortgage.

I am awaiting your kind advice.Thanks in advance.

M., St. Catherine

Dear M.,

Your husband is not behaving as if he is interested in the relationship. He is behaving as a man who just wants a place to sleep and to eat. He is not a responsible brother at all. Nevertheless, before you make a decision whether or not you should divorce him, both of you should go for counselling. That is the correct thing to do. If he is not interested in going for counselling and you do not believe that you can continue in the relationship, you should seek the assistance of a lawyer.

I must warn you not to become intimate with the man you describe as loving and 'everything I dream of in a husband'. Don't forget that this man is married and you may ruin his married life if you become intimate with him.

Don't end the relationship with your husband because you want this man to be your future partner. 'Everything that glitters is not gold.'

Pastor

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