Dear Pastor,
I am a 28-year-old woman who just came out of a 10-year relationship. I started having sex with my best friend because I was lonely and hated the dating scene. Now I find that he is acting funny. He first told me that he feels that I am trying to put him into something that he is not ready for. I told him that whatever he wants I can handle it, and if a relationship is not what he wants, then it is fine with me as long as we can have sex a couple of times per month.
I love this guy very much but I realize that this is not something that I am comfortable with. I know for a fact that I want more. I am just so scared that if I go back to him and tell him this will not only ruin what we have now, but I will also ruin the friendship that we have had for more than 15 years.
Please tell me how to handle this.
S.F
Dear S.F.,
You will get hurt. This guy is obliging you, so to speak, by having sex with you. He is doing you a favour as a friend. The unfortunate thing about it is that you do not mind being used. He does not want anything permanent. You have opened yourself to abuse. The man is not committed to you and evidently will never be. So, it was silly of you to tell him that so long as both of you can have sex a couple times per month that would be fine with you. At the same time you are not at all comfortable with the situation because you love him. And since you can't get all of him for yourself, you are settling for second best.
I repeat, you are going to get hurt.
If you have been inviting him over, stop doing so. If you have to go out, do not go with him alone because you are too weak toward him. Right now you just need to cool out. When a woman has just come out a relationship she should not be in a hurry to enter into another because she is vulnerable and that is why you have got into trouble with your friend.
Get involved with church activities etc. And give yourself enough time for your heart to mend and for your head to clear.
Pastor
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